The dark night covers the ocean, I sip on my coffee and I hear the waves crashing the shore. Its a beautiful view. I see some lights at the distance, faint flickering lights across the giant sea. The weather is pleasing and I look at the emptiness through the glass sheets of the Cafe. My mind is vacant filled with the sea breeze. I have nothing to think about. No Accomplishments and life filled with responsibilities, chaos, struggles, loneliness and failure.
I really needed this vacation. I am unwinding and smiling after years. Smile filled with sadness. The pangs are now limited to the night. Cafe is empty, just like my life and I see two people laughing and setting up their musicals in the live concert area inside. I see a beautiful girl, her hair falling across the shoulders, she removes her denim jacket and she looks gorgeous. I look at her white shirt and black pencil skirt with the pumps she is wearing, sitting on her chair, her legs crossed, holding her singing microphone. She sings a couple of lines, and her voice has me floored. I keep looking at the young guy along side who adjusts his black tie and loosely opened collar cream shirt with the black pants and loafer shoes, also adjusting the microphone stand.
The mood is filled with their melodious voices. I look at the young guy in admiration. The weather becomes gloomy and the star filled sky is fading, sluggishly being covered by dense heavy clouds. It’s about to rain all night. I see chairs getting filled up with people. I see a handsome young man seated across, looking at his phone, texting someone and smiling. I look at his pretty face, his strong built shoulders and soft hands. A very soft person and gentle. He is wearing comfortable but crisp clothes. An expensive watch. Greeting the waiter courteously, very smart person. I search for my phone, I rummage my hands, through the dress, on the table, and the chair beside I can’t find it. I am on the verge of having a pang and I realise, you have taken my phone and you have been on call with someone for the past half an hour.
I become easy. I search for you around the cafe, you are probably out. I look around the wooden cafe, beautiful black board with today’s special. Decorated with the ancient yellow light feels but trendy design machine bulbs and interiors are just in accordance with the beautiful ocean view. A luxury retreat indeed. I am glad I chose this place. You never bring me out on dates. I keep looking at the places I want to visit, hoping you would take me but instead it’s always me, planning and taking you out.
The duo singing the romantic numbers and the crowd cheering and clapping at their glorious performances. I look at the piano guy, doing wonders with the fingers meticulously playing the keyboard and tunes. I look around the cafe filled with people spending time with each other, enjoying the evening.
I am alone on this date too, you are busy and I keep looking at the man in front of me. He waves at the waiter and orders a wine and exquisite champagne glasses. I listen and he is looking towards the cabanas, waiting for someone, his date. I am curious to see who is your date. I too look at the dimly lit cabanas, and they look exquisite. His lady love must be getting ready. I look at him again, he is texting and smiling, that love filled smile. He is in love. I look at the cabanas again, finishing my coffee. A girl walks down, her gorgeous pink dress, flowing with the windy breeze. Her beautiful soft hair around her face and she smiles walking towards the cafe. I look at him, he stands up and he is smiling at her. He goes to her, holds her hand and brings her to the table. Oh what a romantic sight. On the table lies the champagne, the glasses and a tub of the ice, with tongs. I look at him, bending courteosuly, pulling out the chair for her, she sits and he holds her dress and she looks up to him, pulls back the chair and is now seated in front of her.
They talk and he pours her the champagne, and waves at the waiter to order. They are so in sync, like so connected. She smiles and orders, both of them clink the glasses and they talk. Her lady love smiles shyly at his compliment. So chivalrous! I wonder if it’s all cliche or if anything is real, or it’s just a facade? I look at her, she looks rather dull. What did she do to deserve this man, what will I have to do to get your attention. I feel, I look better than her, I am a self dependent strong woman, I have everything a guy like you would die for and I deserve no less of a treatment than what I just saw. Why can’t I get you to do all this for me, without saying anything. I read it somewhere, you can’t teach a man chivalry. May be you are not what I want. I sit there looking at them, waiting for you.
Rain begins to pour in, and I see you walking towards the cafe. I smile at you, you smile wryly. Maybe its not you, its me, you don’t like me at all. All your love for me is just another outlet for your loneliness, you just need someone to be with you. I need someone to be with. You hand me over my phone and come sit in front of me. You ask me to order and you are busy in your phone. I look at him and her, I want what they have. The cafe is yet again filled with cheers and laughter from the song, and they clap heartily. You clap along and you don’t even notice the dress I am wearing. I order and I am keen on talking to you, you are not interested. You eat and just nod to whatever I say.
My eyes don’t leave the sight of them. I wonder what did I do wrong, do you not find me beautiful? Am I not good enough? No matter how hard I try to be perfect, I do not feel liked by you or anyone else. I have been compassionate, caring, loving and I am the one doing everything for you, I can bring anything for you, do everything whatever you tell me to. What shall I do more to be treated right? To be loved, I deserve more. I wonder who would be as easy as me with anyone. What would I have to do to earn respect, appreciation, to feel valued, and be loved? To be loved without giving all away, once without having to try. You say you love me, but do you? Do you care, do you love me enough to make me feel heard, and seen? I know you love me in your own way, but something is amiss. I wonder what is it? I feel alone with you.
Or is it me, am I too difficult to be understood. Do I expect more? I feel there is nothing wrong with me, and if anything, a person would be dying to be with me and would give me the world, just like him and her. Tell me what I don’t have, or what I don’t give it to you? I see people getting more with the things less deserved and here I sit, deserving every good thing, yet having nothing. Is this all in my head. I fail to say and you fail to understand or even see. I look at the rain, they cry the tears of my loneliness.
Why do things don’t happen the way they should? Why is there a complicated rule and law of nature, to not be just and unbiased with everyone, just like when we were kids, life used to be so simple, who worked hard, was sincere used to be the one who scored. Why teachers and parents fail to teach the brutality of life. Life is not fair and just. It is going to suck and it is not how you plan it to be. It is never going to be “Put in your 100% and getting the same in return”. If you are good, there is no guarantee, good happening to you. There is no defined regulation. Life is a lie. Your love is a lie.
He stands and asks his lady love for a dance. I look at them and I look at you. You hardly have the courage to get me a seat at the crowded cafe, you hardly put in efforts for me. You don’t love me, you love me when you want to, when it’s convenient for you, when you know no one is watching or when you are getting bored. I am never your priority, never was. I pursued you and you failed to see the good in me. You never really saw me. It was me trying to make your life better and I crushed my own. I lost myself. You dismiss my romantic gestures. You fail to see what I have to offer you. You have been the biggest mistake of my life. I believed you, your words. I have been dying to hear. You were nothing more than the mere words. I have been blindsided by the words failing to see you were not the man I wanted to be with. It was your tears. They succumbed me to give in. I try to make us work. I fight within myself as I fight with all the other things in life, to keep it going, handling all the roles well. You are not my safe place, you are another obstacle in my life with whom I am tied down and getting nowhere. I wonder will you change if I love you insanely. If I love you with all that is left inside my broken heart. Will you reciprocate? Will you ever be able to see how much I loved you. I never got a chance with you, you dismissed me even before I could tell you how much you meant to me. Love is not enough. Love has never been enough. I was a fool to believe that love conquers all.
I see at him and her dance, I want to dance with you. I love to dance. I have always wanted to dance. You act nonchalantly and I see them dancing to the most beautiful song. I ask you for dance. You dismiss sarcastically and I sit there. You look at my stupid face and may be you want to dance with me. You deny saying, everyone is watching. I look at them. He spins her and pulls her close, leaving a moist imprint over her cheeks, complimenting her again, speaking something in her ear. Holding her hair and her dress, avoiding her to trip. He treats her like no one else matter in this world. It’s her and it always was about both of them. I look at them and I feel out of place, both in your life and here and I look away. I settled for you, thinking I would be the world for you and I can’t take it any more. I get up the chair, and I walk out in the rain. I drench and I cry. Tears falling as the rain fall and I walk out in the woods, looking at the ocean of darkness.
You don’t follow me. I stand in the darkness and I want to drown in this rain, in this ocean and never want to be alive again. Pang kicks in and I can’t stop crying. The depression rolls in and I fail to breathe. I feel cold and shivery. I walk down to my hut and you join me in the middle of the way, holding the umbrella. I speak nothing as I sit quietly on the bathroom floor, drenched in the towel, sobbing.