My phone rings and I am unable to open my eyes. I squeamishly open the eyes and it’s a call from you. Your gorgeous picture staring at me. I wonder what do I need more, your face or your voice, dreamy you or the real you.
It’s been an hour I have been asleep and the first thing I see dreaming is your loving, caring, and sweet face. I am awestruck, you hold my hand and take me to waters, beautiful blue water everywhere, and the windy breeze is making me drunk. I am drinking in your embrace and walking with you, looking at you, feeling dazzled.
You are busy on your phone talking to someone and you spontaneously laugh, and I look at your laugh, mesmerized! I keep staring at your carefree laughter, you are so happy. I smile looking at your happy face and you curl your lips speaking something over the call, holding my hand. You won’t let go.
I look at your hair, all messed by the wind and you appear like my kind of cute and a little crazy, it has been days since I heard your voice, that jokey voice you do to make me laugh, and random things you say that brighten up my day.
You leave my hand and you go distant, roaming and still talking to someone. I wait for you and I am looking at the beautiful stretch of blue water, waves crashing the shore, strong winds and suddenly I feel vibrations, water drizzling and I can’t stand straight. I am afraid, I look around. I can’t find you. Is this an earthquake, what are these sensations? I am having a little panic attack and my eyes open up instantly, frightened, it’s the phone, buzzing, you are calling me.
I try catching my breath, and I respond just out of a random nightmare, of losing you and I hear your voice. It makes me calm, and I breathe. You put me back to sleep and tears roll down the eyes at the mere thought of you not being with me.
I grab my blanket holding it tight and close, words unable to find their way to the mouth and I disconnect the phone greeting you good night. I stay wide awake and my mind wanders off into the thoughts of you. Holding on to every little moment, every miniature second.
What is this feeling of you slipping away from my hand like the sand? I haven’t had you and still scared to lose you? This thing is scaring me, I am getting too much attached and this is beyond control. I wonder if it is okay to feel so mad, or is it too much. I am apprehensive of my own disastrous feelings.
I want to be happy, be in love, be in your sing-song all day, but instead, all I feel is worry, fear, sadness, and emotions. I try so hard, and yet I fail miserably, my mind is eating me, telling me not to go into the pitfall, into the black hole of love, it’s consuming me making me wonder. Is love liberating or is it the most dangerous feeling in this whole world.
It is getting harder to sleep at night without listening to you, days are getting harder to bear, thoughts of you are getting rooted deep inside and your face is everywhere. I hear your voice calling me in the middle of a sunset and I gaze at the stars telling me a message, they say to me twinkling, ever thought love would do such a thing to you?
What? When? Why? How? Suddenly everything stops making sense, and then I had an epiphany, may be it is all the little things that you say and do, may be it is all the good things you feel about me, may be it is all the flaws of me that you hide. I wonder is there more to everything than you show, or is it just me sitting alone in this infinity loop of you and your love. How am I suppose to live with you, or without you. You laugh and I stay lost. You live and I retrospect. You do things and I overthink. We are so different. How will we stay together?
Is this too much to ask? I wonder would you leave me if I share my deepest darkest secrets with you, how would you react to everything that I am, a mess, a control freak, a hyper stigmatic bug, and a polar disorder-creating kind of person who is always confused!
I wonder if I’d be able to share this with you, would you understand, would you forgive me?
I haven’t seen a soul, so kind, caring as you, you always understand, even if things are not going your way, you listen to me, you are everything I ever wished for, you catch my vibes and you are the light of my life, making me laugh like you know me, everything about me.
I wish you may not have to see me at my worst. I fear, what if you see and you don’t like me at all, like every other person, who has always left me, I wonder what if you will also leave me alone, what if I try so hard to bring you back and you never ever want to come back to me.
Loving a person isn’t enough. I wonder what shall I do to make you stay, a couple of years down the line when my love for you will grow old and you won’t like me as much as I do. I am full of flaws and I know you would want to stay apart, but I would always want to tell you this, I will make everything possible to make you stay, but just when I would not be able to do so, just stay for I haven’t loved anyone like this and would not ever be able to love anyone else.
And when you see me at my worst, just come get me and hold me in your arms, so I won’t burst and .. and so that I won’t be the person I am from which everyone around me is scared of. I don’t want to push you away or scare you away just like I have been pushing people away all these years, scattered and destroyed by scary little parts of me.
I wish our love last a lifetime. I just hope you would understand and forgive me every time I wrong you or become the person no one likes and when I say I love you, I don’t just love you for everything good that you are, but also your flaws, your dreams, your insecurities, your darkest fears, your complexes, your everything. I would embrace everything you love and do not love about yourself. I would never leave you until death does us part.
But if you ever think for your own good, that I should leave you, never be afraid to say it out loud. I love you enough to give you that freedom from me so that you can grow, find your own way, explore your own journey without me if you want to. Live your life to the fullest, if your soul finds the spark in another soul, I will let you go. Just say it to me once and I would never ask why not me? I would understand and I would still love you, even when you are not with me. I would love you to be happy and if takes me to leave you, I would not think twice to go on my own separate way, distant from you, so you may accomplish whatever you hold dear in your heart.
Whatever you need, whatever you want, whatever you can’t say, or whatever you feel, you can always count on me to always understand you, and if I don’t, don’t get dishearten and just say whatever you can. I won’t ever get dismayed. I will hold you. I would love you. I love you so much.. Until death does us part.