I wonder if sometimes, you feel you know you are right, but do not accept it, there is that inner instinct always telling you otherwise but you don’t believe it. I trusted him but my heart never did.
How is it always that heart knows every little thing without any reason, any justifications, that this thing just doesn’t feel right? How does your heart know? Your mind calculates every pattern, step, behavior, and logical fact in this universe, but the heart won’t listen and I was wrong to not trust my heart.
He didn’t cheat on me, but somewhere inside me I always felt that he doesn’t love me the way he tells me, that he does. Am I being an overthinker, being too paranoid, to not trust such a good man. Is it some pre-defined notions I believe for love, is it the romantically fed version of life to me?
I have bottled up feelings for years, and one day someone like you come along to question me in your usual dulcet tone “Have you ever been in love?” and I look surprised at you, at your ruffled hair, sipping your coffee “I am going to be married! Why would you ask me that?”
“I know you are!” you say looking at me. How can you be so sure, can there be a marriage without love, I think about him, and my heart tells me, something is amiss, this is not what it feels like to be in love, how does the heart know, I love him so much, I have never laid my eyes on another man, leave alone a man, a thought like this never crossed my mind. Why would I be with him, if it’s not for love?
I am questioning everything about me, about him, us? Have I been in love with him, or it is what is expected of me, what I thought I would do, he surely was the nicest person I had known but was I ever in love with him, or did I trick myself to believe otherwise, or did he lie to me, or was he ignorant about what love was?
It surely isn’t what everyone around me has, it is different, might be better, but it doesn’t swell my heart, he is not the one I feel at home with, why can’t I smile, feel a little rush when I think about him, why do I think I do not love him the way I can, wholeheartedly. Does my heart seek someone else?
Tear drops from the corner of eyes as I look into the blank space in front of me, and I ask you back “Have you been in love?”
You look at me and say “Yes, but I have never felt anything like this before!” your eyes looking deep inside mine. I turn my eyes away, looking ahead, thinking about the past few hours, I spent with you, in your car, in the ride, watching the sunset, feeling the wind above, letting go of all my inhibitions, being insanely comfortable with you, I have missed your touch, how it felt to be with you, was it always something more and I didn’t see it, the way you made me feel, so happy in your presence.
I look into your eyes, as we walk in the dusk, stars flickering with little sunset hues smothered across the skies. Why have I never seen this before, this longing, this yearning, to be with someone, why does my heart tells me, you are the one, and why not him, the person I believe to be in love with.
I look at you, holding my hand as we walk, and you stop for a moment, on the lit pathway, I look at you, feeling what my heart tells me to, at this moment, that I might lose this chance if I did not listen to it, and as I lean in to kiss you, you do not.
You leave my hand, and you hug me instead, “I really wish you get to know the real love in this world, I will wait for you if you tell me to.” I listen to your words, and my heart knows, I have never been in love before the way I should have, and with the person right here in my arms, and as I hold you tighter I wish my heart could feel the same with him one day.