I am lost in the thoughts from past days, I haven’t had the time to think about you, about us, about love, about how much I love you, how insanely I am in love with you. The world seems to take a toll on me and I seem to have lost track of my life now. Time seems to cost me my everything, for the very first time, I am tired of everything and I don’t want to run, walk or do anything. I want to stand still and look at the life passing by, lifeless, regardless of how I love things fast-paced, how I never want to miss anything.
I am looking at the empty black roads in front of me, the car headlights pave the way into the darkness, I am engrossed thinking about how to deal with the reality of the inevitable, how will the things be when I can no longer see where I am headed to, life is challenging and it’s worst at its best.
I am drowning in the thoughts without a shore, going deep into the sadness and suddenly I feel warmth in my hands, I see your fingers wrapping around mine and you hold my hand, clasped together, soft music is playing and I look at you. Your eyes are on the road, I look behind at the kids. All three of them are asleep. I look at you, shyly, and I see a bouquet of roses, you gave me an hour earlier.
I breathe and you hold my hand a little tighter, pulling me out of the intense thoughts, somehow with you today, I cant feel the love anymore, the struggles of life, no matter how much I share, how much I tell you, they seem to cloud my thoughts, and just when I am about to sink, your love makes me float. You always rescue me towards the end.
I smile looking at your hand in mine. I for a little while forget all my troubles, all the things that I do alone, and I feel as if you are always there with me, looking out for me, and even though you don’t know everything about what goes on in my head, you somehow understand me at all the extremes, more than anyone ever had. You are like magic my soul was missing, you read me impeccably and I wish sometimes, I can step out of my own little world and look at you, your thoughts about how you feel.
I become easy and I hold your hand in both my hands, stroking it gently with my knuckles. I want to tell you how much I love you, and I can’t. I am too overwhelmed with things in my head and I have forgotten the very important day today, a day of us. I forgot my ritual, my regular ritual of writing handwritten letters to you, every time we meet, and this time instead you had a surprise for me, red roses.
I think about the soft kiss, the peck on your cheeks, I remember the phone call earlier this morning, you wishing me the day, this day of ours, never missing a chance to make me laugh. I for the first time believe in you, that if I ever forgot to love you, you would always love me the same, and no matter my love is intense for you and I fail to tell you or even show you that, I will always love you, more each day. Sometimes I wonder how miserable I am without you, how I wanted to take on this world alone and I thought I didn’t need you, but the truth is I need you in every single breath that I take, in every little thing that I do, no matter how much I try to do things without you, I always wish you were here, it was you instead of everyone else.
I see you looking at me, and I kiss your hands. Your soft hands, they remind me how lucky I am, my source of strength, I look at you and I think I am looking at my whole world. I am going to a beautiful place with you, but none of it makes any sense in my mind, I am too caught up in the things, I wish I could be more like you, or like you pretend to be, full of life, without any worries, I know I see only the surface and can’t see beyond that but I know things are the same with you too.
I wonder if the telepathy of human connection from faraway places is real, I feel what you feel, I know what you know, I understand what you try to tell me, I speak the things you want to hear and I think what you are thinking. I wonder if I do a good job at making you feel love in your love language, just like you do? I know I think too much, but it’s only because, I have never let anyone do a thing for me, not even me, and when you do the littlest of things for me, I feel why do you do it, what did I do to deserve it, and I want to do it even better for you.
Life is at a strange turn right now, I don’t know who I am, what I am, the process of losing myself has begun, and for the longest time, I will be known as someone you loved, someone whom people just met, everyone around, trying to understand, get along and I am already out of my essence ever since I met you, I am no more feeling like myself, and while the change is good, I still am getting accustomed to feeling this way.
Sometimes, the little things take the largest place in our hearts, you and your little gestures have taken up almost every, and while you have been doing, doing, giving, and giving, now it’s my turn, I wish I can be whatever you have imagined, I can be the good in you, the good that you do with people, I can be someone, you want me to be for you, and while I want to be the perfect partner, I will try to be more, and just when I forget to be your love, your other half, your teammate, hold my hand just like you do and I will always keep everything aside to be on your side, I look at you with love, towards the roads unknown, to make beautiful memories with you towards the dawn.
Belated Ninth my love. This shall be the last from my heart, I will see you on the other side soon, until then, I miss you so much, I love you so much.