It has been a long time since I wrote something. I have a lot to share and not that any of you might love. Today’s topic is Motherhood. Many of you know that I write only when I am happy, and you must be thinking what happened today?
But today is the saddest day, and I decided to share the most challenging part of life with you all: Motherhood. I find it strange that after becoming a mother to a beautiful baby boy I have not been able to feel this beautiful feeling inside my heart. Is something wrong with me? God knows. I am writing this today making an exception to write even when I feel low, on the extremes.
My brain is foggy and I seem incapable of making coherent paragraphs, or worse I don’t even make sense anymore. I can’t find the reasons behind my outrageous behavior. Though my hands ache and my fingers are in pain typing this piece, but I want to do it today. I want to tell each one of you and all the people out there that motherhood is not what you think it to be, it’s way more tough, difficult, depressing, and possibly the worst phase of your life. I wish people were more honest about the hardships, responsibilities, and fake love that comes along with it. Before it becomes confusing let me clear the outline behind this blog I am going to write.
DISCLAIMER: YOU MAY NOT LIKE MY VIEWS OR MAY GO AGAINST ME, PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.
Why won’t I have a second child?
The responsibility of a child is the responsibility of the mother alone, the first few days are hard., months and even years. The sleep deprivations kick in, your body is not strong enough to keep doing all the work, yet you outstrain yourself to do possibly more than you can do, each ounce of your body aches and requires therapy, your brain outnumbers the thought, you can’t feel yourself anymore, you lose your taste buds during pregnancy but you lose your entire self after becoming a mother. I don’t like the way I look, my body is misshapen, my hair is unmanageable, my skin is patchy and my soul is dead inside. I forget to pay my bills, to do things I am supposed to be doing, no one does anything for me, I have to do things alone and yet keep smiling.
Today I yelled at my kid because he was unable to sleep and won’t settle in, after an hour of taking him for rounds, I mishandled him and possibly lost my calm, My eyes are red due to no sleep and my stomach is hungry yet my baby needs to feed, I don’t have enough milk supply going to feed my baby, I need to eat to feed him, but my little angel won’t settle to let me cook and eat, I am frustrated doing it all alone, taking care of the baby, to feed myself, to keep the baby fed, to get enough rest, to wake up pain-free, to go through another painful day. I possibly do not love my child since I am not getting the basic human needs, love, care, affection, importance, food, sleep, and support.
My baby is crying inconsolably after I have yelled at him and tossed him in the bed, I have never heard him cry this much, I can’t soothe him, the more he cries, the more my anger grows, I am yelling at him and his tears are flowing down drop by drop, crying loudly in pain, I am saying things to him, he won’t even understand. His sweet little ears are red, I am enraged, shrieking for him to sleep or to play whatever he wants just don’t pester me. I haven’t seen myself this enraged at my 4-month-old little son, I am scared of what I am doing to him. His cries are growing loud and I am yelling at him holding him badly and tossing him in bed again, rocking him hard and I am crying typing this, I am not a good mum to my child, I have lost it. My baby is in pain, and I throw him in the bed, he further cries loudly, I hate myself, I pick up my heavy head, facepalming enter another room and cry. I can’t handle him, I am devastated, my teeth chattering, and my body is shivering.
Minutes later I hear him cry too much shouting and coughing loudly, I gather myself, pick him and try to rock him, but he won’t come into my arms. I feel sorry, I shush him and after hours of rounds in the house, he settles in and goes to sleep. I want to just go and die for being a harsh mother today. I want to call my husband because I can’t do it anymore but I feel myself failing as a person, and my husband seems to be more distant than earlier.
Though he is a lovely person I cannot find in this universe, supports and helps me whenever he can in whatever way he can, my expectations do not seem to end, I feel lost, and is this the identity loss I am feeling? I feel alone and lonely during the day, suffocated at night, life is not worse, yet somehow I feel so sad, low, and depressed, I don’t have the energy, and I always resent him, or the other people around me, who are so insensitive towards me, A lady doesn’t need support when she is pregnant, but needs more support when with a child, I don’t know what do I need more, food, sleep, love, my baby, my mom, or just me to go back to the way I was.
I have always hated myself as a person, I can’t handle emotions very well, it’s a beautiful month, full of love, with everyone’s special day and birthdays coming in soon, I do not want to travel anywhere, I just want to lie down in my comfy pajamas, and be on my own, with no one to look at, no one to speak to, nothing to do, my friends have gone far away, my mother can’t be with me, there is no one to look after me, and I feel so low, I wonder do I matter to my husband enough?
I want to keep everyone happy, but do people make any effort to see me happy, and I see them putting effort to do so, but nothing makes me happy these days, my mind is cloudy, I feel sorry for my ears that don’t work, Today I felt like throwing my child from the rooftop because he won’t settle in and I was tired overwhelmed with his presence and cries, sometimes, I just want to throw him away and run to a far isolated place, he is important to everyone but not me,
I have fed my baby twice while writing this blog, and multiple times since morning but have eaten only once, and it’s 3pm. People say you only need love to produce milk, how do they not seem to care what mothers eat to feed the baby, why don’t they care, the mother is well nourished by eating right, and getting dense nutrients for the baby, possibly we females are so low that no one would seem to bother or care what she eats until the entire family and the baby is fed. I feel sad for myself, I can’t take care of myself, of my physical, financial, mental, and emotional health, I need everything in extra amounts these days and no one seems to care, sometimes it’s been days since I smiled or laughed genuinely or became excited, why no one seems to care, or do they care and my foggy brain can’t seem to process it all?
I have been doing so much since last year and the past three months have been the hardest of all, and while I do things how things should be done, I wonder who cares, who watches, I am graining and draining myself for what, what would I get out of it, no body’s watching, nobody cares, nobody gives a fuck, whatever I am doing is just a sheer waste of time, my child would one day grow up and wouldn’t even know a thing I did, whatever I am doing is just useless.
I spend time thinking about ways to make people happy, giving everyone they would love, yet they don’t. I am doing nothing that would make me progressive in my life. My days and my time are limited yet in the past year I have done nothing extraordinary that I must be doing, My life has no meaning. I am struggling with my own thoughts and they are incoherent.
This phase of life can’t be put into words, I feel nothing but then I feel something to the extreme, I am lost and I won’t have a second child because there is no one who can support this tough phase of life the way I want to. More than anything in this world, a child needs a happy mother and throughout, I have not been a happy soul, I don’t want to screw it up, or have thoughts about leaving or throwing my child, life is hard work post childbirth and I won’t be able to do it alone the second time.
I always believed in myself and kept faith in my abilities to do anything in this world alone, and there are no women like me, the mindset, the calm, the intelligence, the observance, the fast, and yet I feel so lost as a new mom, I wonder how people who are not as efficient as me keeping up with the changes coming with the child, People near me fail to see me who I am, what are my abilities and I feel lost when people do not see the brilliance in me and would advise me thinking I won’t know anything, how do I make people understand or show them, I am a gem meant to shine, and the way I do and lead life, no one can, I fail terribly at it, and people are terrible at understanding my skills.
I am perfect with always room for improvement, but I feel people always looking for improving me, rather than acknowledging the perfect. It may seem I am boasting about myself, but this is the truth, I don’t understand where I stand in the life of everyone, or what is my signature in everyone’s mind, doing all of it alone has given me new strength, but the only thing I fear is, all of it taking a toll on me again, making me vulnerable. I can’t do that to my unborn child,
Dear Second child,
I won’t have you, because you deserve a better-thinking mom than this mess. I love you and maybe you will be easy after the firstborn, but I can’t take risks. I love you,
Your future Mom.