Sometimes I think about you, and wonder, how did you end up there. What happened to us. What went down when we were together. I just left you and never looked back. How easy it was for me, to leave you just like that, you bearing with me, the whole of me and still I did not want to be with you, giving you the roses that night, not one but many, why didn’t I think before leaving you, why didn’t I ever worry about the scar I am going to make?
I have a very faded memory of whatever we talked about, I just remember that night of us naked, holding you in my arms, caressing your hair, kissing your lips the whole night, on the floor mattress. Soft chilled wind blowing through the lattice door and wind chimes tangling with each other.
You were the first person I ever gave my heart to, being awake the whole night making something special for you, to cherish for a lifetime. I smile thinking about your curious baby face you would make waiting for everything that I sent your way, how we walked, how I kissed you on your cheeks, how I played with you licking that chocolate ice cream from all over your face.
I was in love with you, I had the best time of my life with you. You going miles away was heartbreaking. How did everything change, where did all the love go away, I haven’t forgotten that speechless long hug, when you held me, close to your heart, the safest escape from the world’s reality, looking into your eyes, your innocence.
You were good, I was missing in my life, I was so happy meeting you. I wanted you to stay, you were everything I wanted. You knew all parts of me and still chose to love me, how you believed in me, helping me through all the emotional setbacks, making me feel whole again. Sometimes I look at all pictures together, I wonder what all is there I don’t remember, so many years have passed. What is your best memory about us?
A part of me still loves you, I just have moved on with my life away from you and I really want to talk to you someday about how the world has changed around us. How good life has been to you, what all you learned since we grew apart, left each other? Are you still in love with me, did you find someone who loved you the way you loved me?
I look at your number and I want to call you, is it okay to talk to you, what would you be doing today, let us take a walk down the memory lane, does it hurts to have me there, I can’t remember what were our parting words with each other, or life just happened, and we walked our different path knowing we are no more in this together?
The joy of being with you is still fresh and alive whenever I think about all those long evening walks, in that beautiful cold weather. You bought peace to my heart, you made me ready for this tiresome world, you healed me, loved me, helped me overcome the deepest scars of my life.
I lost my happiness and smile when I left you, and for years I couldn’t understand what is missing in my life, trying to sew all parts of me together, looking for the void to fill in the outside world, truth is I never found someone as you were and I never realized it.
How badly I want to live those moments with you again, dance with you, hold your hand, take those long evening walks, talking about everything in the world. These little gusts of winds remind me of you. Do you remember the sunset we saw on the top of the building, climbing up and jumping from it? You in my arms, I am lost in your essence, your happiness, sunset, and the dreamy view looking at you.
Looking down at the big wide world with you, those lovely clouds and kissing you, feeling on the top of this universe. Your head over my shoulders, the future unknown, our moments lovely. We wanted to see each other in the middle of the night, while we talk and you would look at me from those tears in your eyes on the video playing.
I wipe away the tears thinking about you, I pick up my phone to call you, I really miss you today, all these years how did I live without you, how did you live without me, I open our last conversation together and my eyes are filled with tears, why did we end, why did we not give it a chance, I look at the last message you sent me and I wish to reply today, years later
“I love you, I still love you. Please take me back” and I stop. Broken your heart once, I do not wish to break it once more. Whatever we had was beautiful. There will always be a piece of my soul connected to you, still in love with you, who wants all the good for you and would love to see you grow. I miss you sometimes, think about you, and want to spend moments with you just like an old friend, someone who gets me. I lost you forever. I would love you in my own way, from me to you, I will always love you.
From your estranged lover you once knew.
2 thoughts on “Estranged”
wow such a poignant write and what a beautiful song!