Desperate

I wake up and I check my phone. Another day has passed and there is no sign of you.

I have been waiting for your call since days, months and it felt like eternity. I would keep staring at my phone, with every call from a different number, I would secretly hope its you. With every time my phone rang, or I saw my WhatsApp notification, I prayed its from you. You don’t leave my mind, I walk among the trees and I talk to them, wishing, I just want to talk to you once, just once. I would not ask for anything. I just want to listen to your voice.

I wish it could be something more than just a meeting, why would we meet if its just for nothing, and every passing day, makes me more sad and makes me believe, we are not meant to be, that you never liked me, there is going to be no us.

I think about you, did something happen that day? Did you also feel the way I am feeling about you.

Deep down, I catch your vibes, and I know, there is nothing in your heart, I mean nothing to you, that meeting was nothing. Just another casual meetup.

I memorise your number and I keep waiting. I wonder whether you have forgotten me over this time.

I want to call you, I want to meet you. I want to, but I don’t have a reason, I don’t know what to say, I cannot find a reason to justify my strong grown devotion for you. I am unable to understand this heartfelt burning desire to meet, to talk, to see you again and how would I ever be able to explain it to you?

Days keep passing by and I don’t want you to forget me, I think about how these passing days, will make me a distant memory in your life, that won’t matter if any more days pass by. So I gather the courage. I add your number to my contact list. I will initiate the conversation. I spend hours thinking, what shall be the first text that I would ever send you, how would you remember me?

I felt like a person writing love letter to the love of their life, thousands of crushed papers lying around the room and not been able to find perfect words for their perfect person. Its been a month since I saw you. I keep typing and erasing the messages. I don’t know how to strike a conversation. I don’t want to come off as a desperate person waiting for you and already in love with you. So I withhold.

Another week of this conversation dilemma passes by and finally I block you over WhatsApp to refrain myself from texting you any absurd sentences, that would make you run for hills or distant from you. I don’t want you to go. I want you to give me a chance. I have already lost my one chance when I met you and failed to make an impression. I do not want to ruin my second chance by texting.

I wait, some more days pass by and I wonder what if you were texting me but you are instead blocked on my WhatsApp? So I unblock you the next week, thinking did you text me or not? I feel like a stupid person. So I remove your number from the contact list, feeling, I should forget you and you also must have forgotten me. Its useless, and another month of this misery passes by..

I am sitting on my chair, swiping through the Instagram. Your thoughts clouding my days. That little waiting sparking hope has died somewhere. I scroll endlessly and suddenly my phone rings. I am holding the phone and the memorised number flashes across the screen.

OMG, Oh my God! What the hell! What am I supposed to do? WHAT THE.. HOLY CRAP!

I keep staring at my phone in disbelief. I forgot to breathe and phone kept ringing. How its been 2 months and how I have waited for this call endlessly for every single second since the moment I met you. I just keep looking the phone and I don’t pick up. Call disconnects. I take a mouthful of air. My eyes open in shock and my heartbeats are abnormal.

You again call within a matter of seconds. I keep staring at the phone. What the frigging thing, pick up the phone! I can’t I am feeling rushed and so I put the phone on table and it keeps ringing.

I go out for a walk leaving the phone. I think of words to say, I think, I don’t want to ruin my another chance, I take good 15 minutes to calm down and I return and call you back.

I talk to you, my words have left me. I listen to you all excited like a little kid I want to say so many things. You make me laugh, you make me so insanely comfortable. I still can’t forget our first few phone calls.

I miss you so much. I want to see your face. I want to meet you. And we haven’t been talking much, or long enough to ask you to meet me. Or would I sound too clingy if I asked to meet. I can’t hold on any longer. I had to see you before you go back home and miles away from me.

So I make a plan to visit you, I keep planning for three days and unable to find any reason to meet. So I cook up a weird random story related to my office work near your place and finally the fourth day I leave my house to come see you.

I can’t wait to see you. I reach near your place, hovering there since morning, to find out the perfect moment to meet you, perfect excuse to see you and your lovely face and my mind is full of you, it has lost sense of understanding.

I am fighting battles within my mind. Do I call, do I not, Do I meet, Do I not. I am standing and hours pass by, afternoon pass by, evening pass by and I decide to go back, without seeing you, what would you think of me, what am I trying to do, I may not lose this chance, again having already lost my first. So I leave your place and I roam about in the shops, thinking about you. I see the dessert that you and I ate when we first met, how we shared our first meal together.

I buy you your favourite dessert and I gather enough courage to come see you and I call, once, twice, thrice!

and Oh Boy when you finally picked up and how I told you I am here and you were standing in front of me.

How my heart and my parched eyes in sight of you, craving for you finally saw you standing afar, I was so scared, I could not keep my sanity. I felt my mind and heart shutting down, inexplicable breathing, oh that mini heart attack!

You wave at me and I walk towards you. You invite me in and I just freeze in front of your main door. I finally step in following you. I stare glances at you. I want to tell you whatever I feel, but I have no reason, words don’t come out of my mouth as I just sit, staring at you handing you the dessert.

I take a good look at your lovely face and I leave wanting to say a lot of things, I wish I can say it to you in person, to your loving face. I don’t know when will that day come but I just.. I miss you so much. I love you so much.

Author: Onesha

She is the funny one! Has flair for drama, loves to write when happy! You might hate her first story, but maybe you’ll like the next. She is the master of words, but believes actions speak louder than words. 1sha Rastogi, founder of 1shablog.com.

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