It’s past midnight and I look at the disco lights flickering with the song on the beats. My eyes looking at the colored lights tossing in the dark of the night. Song dimming and tempo slowing down, the cool wind brushes my cheeks and I look at the beautiful view ahead.
I look at the entire day with you, and I look at the year gone by, 365 days of knowing you. I look at you looking at the lights and I rest my head over your shoulders. Our intimacy is gripping and I want the time to stop. I look at the view above and the highrise subway platform digital clock strikes 12:34am, I am looking at time, about an hour ago, in your arms, and the year back, I so wished to be with you at this very moment, instead of missing you every night, I wish it to spend with you and this is the first night of you and me together on this very special day. I could not have asked for anything more.
I look at the stars, at the sky, at the universe, and my world, all beside me, every inch of my skin smiles and I want to be with you for the entire night. I am reminded of the last time when I didn’t want you to go, but every time you go, a part of me dies, hoping you don’t have to go and maybe you can stay.
I bask in your presence forgetting about how limited time I have with you and I don’t want you to go. You move but I still hold you close feeling something I have never felt every time I have been with you. I feel complete. I was always this one person, without anything missing, but for the first time with you that night, I felt like I need you like this air to breathe and so much less without you.
I close my eyes to capture this wonderful day in just that one blink, my heart races faster than it has ever and I breathe you, your fragrance, your smiles all through the day, your faces, your adorable reactions to everything that I say, right from the moment I saw you this morning to hugging you a little longer, to cherish these moments for years to come, feeling love everywhere in my heart looking back at us, at this day, at this place, here where we had our firsts.
and I am so in love with you that at that very moment I could not imagine my life without you. I wish I could hold onto you a little tighter never letting you go. You are so stuck in my head that I can’t find sanity in my usual stuff. I keep thinking about you, and I am tired of telling you about it every day, and though I have a million things to tell you, I am scared about letting you know that this newfound love feeling is slowly fading away and instead I now have been feeling is more than love, more than care and affection, it’s something I find difficult breathing and living without.
I don’t know it’s you or is it something else, but when I am with you, I am not me, I am someone else completely and I can not live without you, I cannot afford to lose you. Every little thing you say or do touches me, and even when you don’t my mind constantly wanders off to you, thinking what is it that you told me you would do. How do you live in the moments without me? I am being consumed in this feeling and it’s breaking me piece by piece making me someone I thought I would never be.
I know I am mistaking falling in love with you, where there is no coming back, losing myself completely in you, where the world doesn’t exist and I know I try to hide all this with the facade, only to keep my rationality. I am so scared to lose you, I see you changing your ways for me and I do feel your love for me, but what if I lose you, to this world, to someone else, how will I ever bring you back?
I wish I knew how love feels like, before loving you the way I love. I am scared, for loving you this way, that seems far from ordinary, and though I know it will sink with time, I do not know whether you are mine forever, or it is just an illusion?
I wish my day begins with you and ends with you, I wake up and my mind finds you, is this too much, for wanting you every second of the day, not being able to live without you?
I have been thinking in this entire subway ride about you, about your face, looking into your eyes, and as soon as I walk down the stairs, I see you. I want to hold you in my arms but I can’t, I just hold your hand and you are as you are, you always open that door for me, I wonder if the last time you joked was actually the last time you opened it for me?
I can’t help but I smile, I sit and all I want is to kiss you hold you close, and not leave you for a single instant. My hands, my lips, my eyes, my entire soul searches for you and it misses you so very much, I keep tugging you along the wrong ways, the new ways, talking random shit with you, to watch you after so many days, in peace, and you patiently keep up.
You drop me and I don’t wish to go, but I go, thinking about you, how pretty you look, your shy smile, your comfortable attitude, the kind human, the soft heart full of compassion, and I see so much more, I am amazed to see the how much I see each day, every veil shedding off to the extremes that you do for me, without saying, without asking. I want to give you the notes I write when I miss you. I wonder if you read all of it, would you run away, will my fairytale romance come to an end?
I wish if you ever find time to read the long passages of my love for you, would you still love me, or would you not? I walk out towards you and find you reading the letters I wrote to you, oh boy, I wonder if you find them extra, or maybe fake, or maybe just too much, but it is all the love I have in my heart for you, I always want to love you like you choke on it. Maybe I suffocate you with all these things, maybe I should show you rarely or occasionally, or better behave like a normal human for once, which clearly I am not.
I sit beside and I look at the letters over the dashboard and though I had a bustling day I could not stop thinking about you wherever I went, I wish to live my entire existence with you, we drive into the young evening and we make our stop to the beautiful architecture masterpiece in town. I have never been happier, I got all of you for me today. I hold your hand, I walk and I stick as close as I can to you, hovering from one corner to another, pillars to downstream, laughing over the jokes from your language translations to clicking pictures and doing all the child-like love stuff with you, I feel alive.
And as we explore the area, I am the happiest ever, feeling every nerve cell feeling the most glee in the decade. As the evening ends and its lights up,, my eyes lights and my life shines with you in it. You tell me about everything, from your house lights to be to how you hovered inside. I listen to your stories awestruck, walking with you loving you, holding you close, feeling your touch, you brushing against with me here and there.
I would never forget that evening, you ready to take me on your back, I wish I had climbed, but I was too shy to do that, but instead joked about how the couple making love to each other walking ahead of us. I wonder when can we be together like that. Making you mine forever.
As we walk past the beautiful lanes, I see some rare shops of exquisite dresses and I am obsessed, I want one, and you take me. I love your gestures, maybe you are my dream come true, or at least makes me feel that they can be true, you are my fairytale, and I love the way you do that and make me feel. I smile at it and my heart is feeling more loved than it ever could.
As the night becomes young, you are in your essence, this is the longest I have been with you so in love and I relish your company, we are on our first movie date together, I am as excited as I could be just like the little child on the eye wheel on the top of the world, thrilled!
We buy some coffee and you show me the beautiful place around, I look mesmerized and you show me the hilarious little act of being drunk on the way and I can’t stop laughing. Maybe life is fun and exciting, it is good, I didn’t know that until you came along. The beautiful royal place is full of light and the popcorn butter aroma delights the place. I walk inside with you, lying on your shoulders, holding your hand, your warmth, close to you, tucking my toes in yours, sleeping on your side, your fingers over my head caressing me gently. I am intoxicated and I feel relaxed, I lie beside you, resting my head over your heart listening to your heartbeats, making me wonder, when would I get a chance to be like this again, not wanting to let any moment slip through time.
I want the movie to never end, this night to never end, us to never part, but sadly everything ends. I walk real slow with you, not wanting to go, you look around and you help me cross the roads, the night is silent and the moon shines over our head along with the stars, twinkling.
You climb at the back of your car, looking at the view ahead. I climb but I fail, I laugh and I see you smile a little, I climb up and I sit beside you, watching the sky, the trees, the leaves fluttering to the breezy wind, the tranquility of the night, the lights ahead, the song slowing, completing one full circle round the sun, looking back at the day I met you in this car on that rainy day, wanting to make you a part of my life forever.
I look at the lovely weather, I look around and resting over your shoulder, I look back in time, in that one blink I have everything I ever wished for. I want to say I love you, I love you so much, but I don’t. We keep staring into the blank, talking about things, about life, the lights close and the place becomes quiet, I look at you, how you bought me here earlier, when I was hungry, never losing a moment to make me feel heard, to have what I want. Thanking you for being the way you are.
I spend those precious moments with you, wanting to make you hear my heartbeats and so I get off the car, and I pull you down, you are resistant, you climb off and I look around to hold you in my arms, making you mine, maybe for this night and I finally say those words to you, holding you close, feeling complete, whole and seeing my innermost desire coming to life, to spend this lifetime with you.
Until I make you mine forever. I miss you so much. I love you so much.