There will always be parts of you no one knows about, even when you have been together for years. No one truly knows or understands completely, the phases of you, how you have been, how you have grown, how far you have come.
Some parts of you are not worth losing, and I cannot lose you, no matter how small your existence meant to me in all this lifetime, but when we were young, you were everything I had, you accounted for most of my memories, and even when I look at the rains, I think about you, maybe for a while, I gave all my heart to you and you were the best thing I ever hoped for, I know how many times I did, thanking God, being grateful for having given me you.
Thinking about you on this cold rainy morning, I still feel your warmth around me, like you are here and no matter how we both have moved on in our lives, I still miss you and I wonder if we ever cross paths again, can we live the moments together just like two old pals deeply in love yet different, talking about life as we used to when we were young.
I want to know about what all you did, the dreams that you had, and then it hits me, we can never go back to being the same old together as we were years ago.
I think it is just a recency bias, having lost the love of my life, that I now have finally starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together, always there in my heart, there was something left to do before I go. I am so old, my children, their children do not entice me any more, I am lonely and whenever I was lonely, I had you. Years passed by and I used to think about you, whenever I could, and I always wished and hoped the best for you.
I wonder all these years have I been loyal and faithful to Eric? I loved him though, but I could never stop loving you, I loved Eric more, but some part of my heart could never make peace with the fact that I have left you for Eric, and I could not completely move on, is it bad? Is it okay, to love two people at the same time, have I been a good wife, a good partner, a faithful lover to Eric?
I really wish I was, I could never tell Eric about you. The way I loved you, I really wish I could be with you, I could give you all the happiness in this world, you deserved it all. I wish I could still do it, but it would be selfish of me to come to you when we both know our ends are near and we are no more connected to the heart of each other just like in the old times, I still want to see you and say goodbye before I breathe my last in these few years.
I have no clue about you, did you find someone, did you live your life, the way you wanted, and something tells me that, no matter how busy I may have been in my life, I never stopped searching for you, thinking about you, I just prayed for your better life, no matter if I am not in it, I stopped looking, I stopped searching and inquiring about you I gave up everything so that I could make room for Eric, my children, my people, but the heart has never grown fonder of you before.
I think I was never in love with you until I went away and it was only when I left, that was the moment I fell in love with you because that’s when I realized what was between us, how dearly you loved me, and I have never been able to forget that, nothing Eric did, made it go away, I am still in love with you, I had a hard time not accepting this fact that I do, I still love you, but not enough to have seen life go by with you.
I thought I did right when I was young, but years later same old guilt covers me, for hiding all this from Eric, for feeling the same things 50 years later, everything that I felt has faded and somehow your love still blooms in my heart like the gust of fresh air, maybe it was a mistake, maybe we were meant to be together and I steered away from my destiny, but whatever happens, happens for a reason, but today looking back I think, whatever happens, is done by us, every decision I made was the pen and ink of my own, and I wish to turn back time, to write a different version of life for me, for us, to see, did we end up together, did we live a fulfilling life, were we in love and in spite of thinking all this, were you here with me?
It’s funny that I keep dreaming about you, I could never get a chance to really feel how it feels for leaving you, I have always fought two battles, loving Eric and leaving you, and though it was hard to leave you and love someone, which was the complete opposite of what I thought. Loving someone is so hard, and leaving them is even harder, no matter how perfect the other one seems, love is forever, though Eric was perfect, he never gave me a reason to despise him, but I could never forget about you.
I wish we could meet, over that cup of coffee, on that starry night, sing to the song Perfect, dance on the grass, and have pizza just like when we were young, and you could touch my heart and feel, how every day in all these 50 years I haven’t forgotten the time and moments spent with you.
Hoping to find you on the other end, or in another lifetime, where I could be with you, just to tell you that I have loved you in my own way, and I could not do a thing less for you if I ever chose to live my life with you. You were perfect and I could never fill that space in my heart with someone else. It still loves you. It still wants you and no matter how time heals everything, it could never dim this love for you.
In the loving memory of you,