I am lost in your thoughts and not being able to talk to you, I pick a book to read, all the principles are running over the head. I search for a romantic read instead. I am looking into the novels and I find Half Girlfriend in my book stash.
Chetan Bhagat is so overrated. I flip through the pages and I remember you again. Delhi, The India Gate, The club, Privee, the New Year surprise. I laugh at myself.
I smile instantly and all I can think about is how I wanted to celebrate the new year with you. How I just wanted to wake up and as soon as I opened my eyes, I wanted to see you, the very first thing in the beginning. How I wanted to give you an unforgettable start to this year.
I remember the conversation we had. I was walking on the rooftop of my house and you mention a song from the movie, you speak certain words and I can’t recall it.
How I stupidly say, I haven’t heard the song and we share the next moment of shared laughter with you saying, I can’t sing it, you must have heard it.
I plug into the earphones listening to the song, remembering you driving back after office to your home. You always called me up on the way back and I used to wait for your calls in the evenings. It used to be the best part of my day, I used to hold my phone close, waiting for you, you may call any moment. Something in a long time, I started looking forward to, the kid inside me is alive again.
I listen to it engrossed in your thoughts, how this song vibed with me that day. You said you always wanted to visit this club in the song on New year. I can’t remember, not having watched the movie or the song. You recall the name after a few moments and there it is for the next few days in my google search Privee.
I go through their website, their Facebook page, to the google search second page, to inquire, if it is open to hosting the party for the next year. The crisis has left everybody struck and things have lost their charm, circumstances are not as they used to be. I follow their Instagram handle to stay updated about everything that they post for the new year.
I wonder why do you want to visit the place anyway, for the first time in life I am clueless. What is it that happens in a club? People dance and drink, what else, you can do it anywhere, why this peculiar place. I ask you and you tell me you want to enjoy and you once spent your new year alone, there was no one to wish you and you promised yourself, I would do anything but would not spend it alone. I wish we have met earlier.
You are the life of a party, you are the focus of attention, you love to be the party of any occasion. People must really love this and they think you are a jolly and powerful person, you gain through your connections, and that’s when I realized maybe that is the party bug in you. I would want to stay at a party that never ends. You are a party.
I enquire so that you and apparently your friends can go, maybe there will be something that you can enjoy, something that you really love. I find you not taking care, or nourishing yourself. You keep nurturing and motivating everyone around except you. You seem to be too much involved in your workplace. I seem to think so. What are your nights like, what are your evenings like? I seem to understand that you also might be a lonely person, dwelling on how to improve the quality of people around you so that you can become better because you listen and acquire knowledge and learn from them.
I just overthink the possibilities and there is no validation of how much I am able to perceive about you. I am rather driven by love towards you and fail to use my intelligence in things that actually require my energy. I feel silly in love with you. I wonder whether all these things count in love.
How do you tell someone you love them, by giving them the most precious thing on this earth? Or by giving them something that they really love? Or by arranging something they wanted to do but couldn’t do? How do you tell them and What do you tell them, How do you justify your feelings by just saying I love you. How can these three words be possibly enough for the other to understand the gravity of your feelings? What if someone says it and it’s nothing but a lie, how do people believe in these words? Or How would you even believe me, that I am in love with you? You might think, I am a fool, who is joking, how can a person fall in love, just like that, so it’s a good idea to not tell you, what if I do, Why? Where? I can’t think of anything and I start questioning myself? Is This Love? Is this really love?
I wait every day so that I can have better clarity on whether I love you or I am just in love with the idea of going out with you, or just want to have you in my life and have a forever party going on. What is it? How can I be in love and not find any reason to make you believe? You are a logical person. How would you even relate to me, you will also probably find me obtuse just like other people, who easily fall in and out of love, knowing not what this is? I am so clueless about this new thing in my life. How come this dilemma had never happened before? What happened? How can things just exist?
I read Love is blind, but I don’t want mine to be blind. It is just a rude expression. My love is different, it is not blind, it is there and it sees you. Whoever made this, I want to go kill this person, this line makes my love more illogical than my thoughts already ruining it for me. If my love is not blind then what is it, how did I feel it for you, what was it, what was our meet-cute moment? When did I realize I want to end up with you? Which act, which thing, what expression, where did it all begin?
I cant introspect, too many questions and I start doing Yoga to awaken my subconscious, my inner self, to find answers, related to thoughts about you. I wake up and do it every day and there are no answers! Love is illogical.
What is this mystery? Is this phrase true Love is blind, I don’t want to believe it. How can my brain just stop paying attention and let my heart pick I want to be with this person? Like hello, Mr brain, are you kidding me? Where are you? Just please start doing whatever you do and bring me out of this tug of war, and please tell me, how did you choose this person as the love of your life? I am so annoyed. I love you dearly and I can’t do anything about it. I feel so helpless and ridiculous. and anger, that’s what I have been feeling forever an outlet for all my moods.
I just leave it be and I ride on the roller coaster of the sentiments, to let the time tell me, what all this is, what for, why, and how?
I get on a call with the club booking manager, and they aren’t prepared for my new year blast for you. They are closed. anger and unhappiness!
I wonder how will you spend your New Year then? If I could just tell you what is in my heart, would it make your New Year special? Or maybe not! Who would want to hear the words without any logic?
All this overthinking finally came to an end a few months later. I did not find any answers to them until I realized this is what happens when you finally find your soulmate.
I close the book and pause the song playing. Smiling at the memory of how the new year was far better than I wished it to be, it came two days in advance. And rest is history, to the lifetime of I love you’s without any reason, without any logic, without any limitations, with just Magic. It must have begun a lifetime before, it must have already been there, I must have been always waiting for you. A conspiracy of the universe. I wonder how many lifetimes we have waited to find each other?
Well this lifetime is going to be epic, wonderful with you. Only you and me. Here is to one more time saying it for without any reason. I love you. I love you so much. Always and Forever.