I am indeed a cheater, I fell in love with someone else, while I didn’t end things with Abhay. I was so sure about him, until one day I wasn’t. I never thought I could love anyone else, he was everything, he had no flaw, he was this ideal person, the epitome of love perfection. I know how ridiculous I sound right now. A deceitful person asking for you to believe that I loved him, and now I don’t.
If anything, I should walk away and stop ruining Abhay’s life, this is not good, holding on to someone you don’t really see the future with is not worth doing, You can never be friends with a person you once loved.
Truth is love never goes away, we can’t stop loving someone at any point in our lives, we just refocus our feelings, we avoid them until it stops showing and when we revisit them we realize we had something there, and when we come across the accident, there is happiness, cause you have not lost someone you loved, you lost a part of your life, that you lived with them, those years, someone who knew a part of you, maybe little, maybe big for that time.
Sometimes I can’t understand my own damn self. Why would I do that to a good person, such a nice human being? I would sacrifice it all just to give him his happiness, but I won’t last there long, I don’t know how did I feel these things for Sharad anyway. I do not trust him, but I love him.
It’s like my inner gut feeling tells me, that yes he is the one, the love of my life, my everything. It’s like, you just know, how do I tell Sharad, about my past.
It has been 3 days since I told Abhay about Sharad. I wish he understands and leaves me for good. I wanted him to stay cause I have been self-centered. I am so selfish. I have to let Abhay go, so that he may heal himself. Make his life on his own, and no matter how much time he takes to recover, or not recover at all, he has to start living again, forget me for good, be on his own path, find his happiness. We were never meant to be, and the sooner I admit this, the sooner he can move on.
I want this shift smoother for him, a little easy. I wish to fill his life with happiness, if not me, then howsoever, I want the best for him, all the good, all the success. By cutting ties with him, doesn’t mean that I care for him any less, or that I never loved him, but this is for his own good. Maybe he won’t understand it right away, but he will after a few months, maybe a few years.
I know I have done wrong with him, I know I should be guilty enough, and to any sane person if I tell my story to, he would surely call me wicked, a bitch, a cold heartless person, someone who shall be called bad titles, should be slut-shamed, but I do not apologize for feeling whatever I feel. I will always love Abhay, with all my heart.
I just have to find a way to tell Sharad about it, I can’t keep doing this and expect things to be alright. I wish Abhay can forgive me, I am his culprit. I just don’t have words on how to be sorry for whatever I did, I just am truly sorry.
The doorbell rings and I stop scribbling in my journal given to me by Doc. I open the door and I look at the courier from Sharad, there is a letter-like-looking mail. I take it inside and I open it. There is a beautiful printed picture of both of us sitting in front of the mountains, I look at us. I look inside and I find a letter from you in your handwriting. I read the amazing words written by you. The declaration of your love, how much do you love me, think about me and all the sweet nothings, that I dismiss,, thinking you are just kidding, but turns out you are not.
I am so glad to find this here and all I want to do is hug you right here, come get you to hold you in my arms, and tell you that I love you more than you would ever tell me, show me and everything that exists in this whole wide world, You are my whole universe.
I trust you enough to open up about my past. I plan to meet you next and tell you everything that I have hidden from you. I facetime you and I am gleaming with a heart full of love, blood full of happiness, and all I see and feel is you, your gorgeous face, and the way you make me feel.
I have been on medication prescribed by Abhay’s dad, and I have been feeling okay lately. All my medicines are over and I am scared to lose my shit again, so I immediately book an appointment with the doc for later that evening. I do not want to complicate things again, by calling Abhay, when I choke.
I step outside the house to visit the Doc, and I see the cafe, where you and I ate the delicious pasta and the awesome coffee. I am reminded of your love-struck face looking at me. I am missing you, a lot. I see visions of Abhay’s faces in between and I get uncomfortable, I promise to tell Sharad about this as soon as I can. I make my way towards the Doctor’s clinic. Finally feeling relaxed, that I spoke the truth about whatever guilty feelings I had all this while.
But feeling guilty is not like being sorry, and I needed to do more than just feel guilty and be sorry about all of it. I needed to rectify the situations, undo my own wrongdoings and undoings. I have no clue how will I make the circumstances better, what is the solution, how will I get past this remorse, how will I pay back my karma. What goes around comes around. I need to find my atonement. I am starting to feel anxious and just when I step inside the clinic, I lose my balance. I am overthinking again, and my mouth is dry.
I take a deep breath and I walk inside.
To be Continued.