I am unconscious for a while, the coffee mug lying on the floor, with the spilled coffee. The floor is cold and I see blurry visions until I can’t see anything.
Time passes by and I am awakened by the loud thud on the door, I abruptly open my eyes, I look around, the doorbell is ringing and the door is being slammed continuously. I wonder how much time has passed by, I walk wobbly and I get up, it takes all of my body efforts and I somehow reach the continuously belled and beaten door. I open the door and I see Abhay, I fall into his arms and I am semiconscious.
I am unable to speak, he carries me along to the bedroom, and sees the coffee trajectory over the kitchen floor to the door, the mug on the floor, the unmade couch, and perfectly clean bedroom, he has a lot of questions, and I only one, Why did you come here, all the way to my apartment from the faraway city.
“What happened? You don’t look good to me.” Abhay is concerned, I look at him, he changes my clothes, brushes my hair, tucking me in the bed, I am speechless. He is talking to someone over the phone, I cant hear clearly right now.
I look at him going over the kitchen, cleaning and wiping the coffee, he picks up my phone, which is lying dead, he looks for the charger in the handbag and finds my file. He picks the file and connects my phone to the charger. He reads everything. He goes into the kitchen and makes me something to eat, a glass of juice, and some fresh fruits. He comes to my room, he feeds me with his own hands, I eat the love out of his hands, and I finally have eaten after a day and a half, I can’t remember what did I had last other than a choked coffee with a Nutella finger dip.
The doorbell rings, he is sitting on my side of the bed, my head resting on his chest and he is stroking my hair on my back, I loved him and I feel his warmth, I hug him close and I feel better. He kisses me on my hair and goes to the doorbell. I am lying in the bed, speechless, with my eyes closed and helpless, trying to recall, what happened a few hours ago. Abhay enters the room and I see medications in his hand, he look at his phone and I see him calling his dad, a doctor. He asks something and I hear the gibberish, moments later he comes to me, with pills in his hands, I swallow them.
I am holding him close, with my head on his chest, in his arms, clasping his shirt, I cling to him and I and I doze off to sleep. I look at Abhay standing under the stairway of a bridge, I look at his heartbroken face again, I am uneasy and I turn around in my sleep. I am a little conscious and I look at Abhay, and his unconditional love for me, he is sleeping beside me, his arms around me, his hands around the neck, in my hair.
I remember the last couple of months, how I have ignored him, not picked up his calls, have so many texts unanswered, have constantly treated him, in all kinds of wrong ways. How I have told him, I do not want to be a part of us, in so many ways, and have seen him looking for reasons, what did he do wrong, what could he possibly do to get me back, and all I can tell him his this is not about him, it’s me.
I still cannot forget the last meeting where he didn’t want to believe me, that I am throwing away what we have for these past years, just like that, I know how attached he is to me, he would die if I would ever leave him, he is so emotional, and I played him at the expense of my own selfish reasons.
He is still there for me every time I need someone, I look at his love letters, his sweet little gifts, his sweet texts, and videos telling me how much do I mean to him, how much this world feels like an empty space to him, how all his accomplishments are incomplete in his life without me, and all I can tell him that I don’t love him anymore.
I can’t forget his time, care, persistency, a pure soul, only for me, and I was the one who fell in love with someone else and I have not been able to tell him or walk away from him. The truth was I needed him always, I still need him, I can’t be vulnerable with Sharad this way. I need a friend, I had no one other than him.
I don’t have the courage to tell him the truth, I look at his innocent face, how he has lost his sleep, and balance ever since I changed my attitude and behavior towards him. More than me it was him, who needed emotional support, someone to take care of him, someone to love him the way he loved me. A person who finds his happiness only with me, and who is madly in love with me, he is begging me each day to stay but I can’t I have already chosen Sharad, from my mind, body, and soul.
I do not wish to be the one who wants to break his heart, I know he won’t be able to recover from this for decades, I have been the sick person I didn’t want to be, despite knowing everything, I did it all, knowing it would end one day.
Abhay wakes up and he looks at me, he is about to kiss me over the forehead and I resist, he looks at me in disappointment. He never shows it, he gets off the bed, and brings the file to me,
“What is this? You are going to CBT? What happened? Why didn’t you tell me? You told me everything.”
-I am seeing a clinical psychologist. I didn’t want to tell anybody. I say looking at my fingers
“I am not anybody, we love each other.”
–No, I love you, but I can’t be with you anymore. I say looking annoyed, at him, why does he love me so much,
“I can’t understand, what is wrong with you? We keep having these conversations again and again, and I don’t get you. Please don’t leave me,” He comes near me, his palms over my ears, and trying to make me understand.
“Okay, I understand, you do not want to tell me, don’t. I have asked for some medicines from Dad, take them for three days, you will feel better, Please let me stay, I will take care of you” I look at him pleading with tears in his eyes, all his love floating, on his cheeks, his face, begging to me, you are the only person I love, please don’t do this with me.
I can’t look at him and I cry, little tears, drop from the corner of my eyes, looking at him this vulnerable, throwing away all those moments, we made for the lifetime. I gather all the courage, I numb my lips, I look at him with teary eyes, and I have to do this, he deserves to know the truth, why have I been so off lately.
“I am in love with someone else. I do not love you anymore. I am sorry.” I say looking at my clenched fingers and with all the strength in my heart. I can’t look at him.
“You are lying, you don’t want me to stay. I will go, but please don’t lie to me, I know you love me, I will give you your space. Please just don’t use this to push me away. Baby, please don’t do this.” and he is more vulnerable, emotional, and heartbroken than I could ever imagine.
“No Abhay, I am not lying,” I say looking at him.
“Please don’t call me by name.” He says, crying sitting in front of me, looking at the wall, where I used to hang a picture of us, but ever since I found Sharad, I took all of it away.
“You never called me by my name, you have forgotten everything, I love you so much, I will always love you, please don’t leave me. I just want you and you only, you know that.” he is requesting me.
“Abhay, I am in love with another person, I wish to spend my life with him, I love you, please don’t take me wrong, I just cannot be with you,” I say sobbing in the bed,
Abhay looks at me in disbelief and he leaves the apartment.
To be continued