“Hey Saumya, Nice to see you again. How are you feeling today?” Sunaina asks me, and for the first time, I realize, she knows a lot about me, from my graduation years, until now, She might be the next thing I have to a personal journal. She might tell me how have I changed from now to then, only if she remembers. Let’s test, how sharp is she, or maybe she deals with so many people, it must be hard for her to remember.
“I am not feeling good today, I am scared,” I say looking at her label, Dr. S N Verma Clinical Psychologist.
“Did you complete the task given to you, did you tell the truth?” She asks me, I nod in the answer.
–“Yes, I did to Abhay,” I say.
“Tell me how did it go?”
-We haven’t talked for three days now. I hope he is alright. I told him that I have been in love with someone else. He did not believe me, and while I went home after seeing you, I had pain in my chest, I was unconscious and had trouble getting up, I had no medicines from you, I took some pills, Abhay’s dad, who is also a doctor gave me, I had fewer pangs than before and as of this morning, I finished those doses.
“I gave you a medical prescription, in your file, you were supposed to buy them.”
-“What where, I read the whole damn thing, there was no prescription. “
“Look again” she is jotting down something in my file and hands me over the diagnosis report.
-“minor selective mutism, memory repression, Doc you are making me mad, what is all this?”
–I look down below and I see medicines, probably the ones I have been eating for the last three days. “These are the same that I ate.”
“Yes, those were to be eaten if you feel hypervigilance.”
-“I feel it all the time. “
“Did you follow anything given to you?”
-“I actually have terrible memory since the last time.”
“What happened, tell me?”
-You know everything, you are not helping
“What are you feeling right now?”
-Annoyed at you, I am paying so much and I ain’t getting any better.
“What do you expect?”
-To stop feeling this, whatever I am feeling for the last 1 year.
“What are you feeling?”
-I am feeling guilty.
“Why are you feeling guilty?”
-Cause I cheated on Abhay, I fell in love with someone else despite him being everything I ever wanted.
“Why did you cheat on Abhay”
– I fell in love with Sharad.
“Why did you fall in love with Sharad?”
– I don’t know, I just did. I really want an answer to that one. It was unlikely of me.
“Yes you never have fallen in love with any of the guys before, how did you now?”
-Oh so you remember, about all the flings.
“I have records, I know everything about my clients and I know when they are in love”
-I thought this is CBT and everything is confidential, who makes these records?
“Yes, everything is, I make the notes, of our sessions, Only I can access everything.” I see her typing something on the IPAD, she is writing every darn thing.
– Oh! Did you write everything from Grad school? You had Ipad even then? *trying to recall*
-How many years of data do you keep?
“Well, there are a lot”
-So tell me about me, what changes do you see.
“The point of the session is to be able to treat you, don’t yell at me for asking you to leave once we are done, Tell me how many times have you been unconscious or faced physical discomfort in the past week?”
-No tell me, what changes are there. I want to know.
“This is important, we need the answers.”
-Once, but I have been on medication, and a little while coming here from the apartment.
“What were you thinking before you were unconscious?”
– About Abhay, that he is emotional, he won’t be able to deal with this heartbreak and why do I have to do this with him, why did I do what did I do, what was the reason, why do I have to let him go . . . . . . .
I keep talking about my reoccurring dream, how he holds that pain point of my heart and I don’t choke, I don’t feel anxious. I don’t feel pain, the needles in my heart.
“Okay, why do you feel guilty for loving Sharad?”
– NO no no, I love Sharad with all my heart and might, I do not feel guilty about it, it’s Abhay.
“He was never your responsibility, why do you hold yourself accountable?”
–*speechless for a while*
*thinking through silence*
“Because he loves me, he still does things for me, and I cannot repay whatever he has done for me, not in this lifetime, even if I say yes to him, leave Sharad and be with him.”
Why do you feel this way, this is not something healthy, this is not give and take, this is love, this is limitless, do you feel the same way with Sharad?
Has he done any less of the things for you in whatever time he has been with you?
If you do not feel accountable here, why do you feel it there? What part of the puzzle are you missing?
-I don’t know.
“Have you talked to Sharad about all this?”
-No but I decided to, I was hoping to tell him when we meet next.
“Why haven’t you told him or talked to him about this?”
-I love him and I do not want to leave him, he would think I would cheat him as well. I do not want to ruin what I have.
“Why do you think so?”
–*making inaudible expressions*
“How do you feel about him as a person?”
-“He is very comfortable, calm, and he understands me, I think I would skip therapy, If I ask for solutions to my problems to him, he just solves them or understands them like, I don’t know, I just tell him something and it gets resolved on its own, like the damn thing never existed in the first place. I wonder how does he do that”
“Tell me more.”
-He is a good listener, he listens to everything, my ruthlessness, my sarcasm, my annoying stupid things, he just, , we have this inexplicable chemistry that I am unable to express in words. It’s like we are the two ends of each other. always in sync, he is just there when he is not, I never have to worry about anything, whatever he feels, whether good or bad, he never exudes it, or maybe does, but I think it’s love when I know and I just know.
“Do you think about cheating him or leaving him”
-Oh no, never, I can’t I will not, he is the first person I never had second thoughts about, a doubt about, I would die if I ever think of it, I would not think of this even in my dreams, I love him so very much, I really do, I do not have a reason but I am deeply wholeheartedly in love with him, I know you won’t believe me, since I cheated on Abhay, but the mere thought of not being with Sharad makes me want to leave this world, right now, right here. I really love him, and I would be loyal, trustworthy and I would not leave him, I don’t have words to prove it, but I have never fallen in love before, and I didn’t know it feels like this, and ever since I started feeling love for Sharad, I am scared to lose him, I cannot lose him at any cost, I cannot live without him, he is everything I wished for, He is the one I want to end my day with, start my life with, I cannot imagine anyone else other than him, if not Sharad, there won’t be anyone else, not even Abhay.
I do not wish to waste another moment without Sharad, and I think ever since Sharad came along, I realized what Abhay feels for me all this time, and I do not feel the same for Abhay. I am not doing something wrong with Abhay, but I sure have made some connotations in his mind for what love is like. I feel bad for not being able to tell him what true love is, cause I never was in love with him, and I never understood the way he loved me because I was never in love, but when I experienced it, I could relate to it and I found myself guilty of making him fall in love with me, with no intention of loving him with the same intensity as he does, how do I fix things with him? *tears flow as I recall Abhay*
To be continued