The conversation with the Doc continues where Saumya is telling her about Abhay.
And he did things for me I never imagined someone would do for me, I was his world and he possibly did everything a woman always wanted, and in the act of loving him, I never knew when did I actually fell in love with him, but something was a miss. I never could imagine my future with him, everything was so perfect, so balanced, and yet, I never saw us together, it was like, my mind was playing games with me, and I was stuck with him since I was lonely.
I do not know what it was that made me fall out of love with him, but eventually, I knew, he is not the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, though he loved me with all his might. Intimacy was amazing, nights were magical, days were good, and there was possibly nothing that I could complain about. At the end of those years, I kept finding out the reasons to leave him, one action, one mistake, that I can take things off, but I never found one, and I could never cheat on him, cause I loved him, I knew he would be hurt.
I didn’t want him in my life, but I also wanted to keep him, it was like, he was one person who would stick around, through highs and lows, through my thick and thin, someone who I trusted. He was the one person I would go to when I could not find anyone else, he understood me like no one could. He would not have all the solutions to my problems but he always gave me a perspective about things.
I feel so bad telling you right now, that I haven’t told him, that I do not love him anymore, it will be too hard for him, I can’t see him miserable, the only person in the entire world, who genuinely cares for me, who would do anything for me, who loves me like no one ever will and I am betraying him. I feel bad as a person
Well he deserves the truth, you should tell him if you care about him.
-I know, but he won’t take it well.
Are you sure, this is the only reason you don’t want to tell him, is there something else?
-Yes, I care about him, that is the only reason,
Answer this, are you still on talking terms with Abhay?
-Yes, I am!
Whenever you are troubled or in distress, whom do you think about first? Is it Abhay or Sharad?
Why not Sharad?
-I fear, he won’t understand me like him.
Well have you tried talking to Sharad whenever you feel out of balance?
-No, I can’t be vulnerable around Sharad, what will he think of me?
Is that is holding you back from telling Sharad, or do you fear, Sharad won’t be as good as Abhay, so you are holding on to him?
-*thinking nervously* Umm! that is somewhat true, I still don’t trust Sharad, but I love him, and he loves me too, but we don’t have that, what I have with Abhay, and I don’t want these things with Sharad, it’s like I want Abhay and I want Sharad, individually but I can’t tell them both about each other.
Why? What are your thoughts, tell me?
–I fear losing Sharad if I open up to him about Abhay.
Why do you fear losing Sharad? you told me he loves you, doesn’t he?
-Yes, I have this feeling, he won’t react in a good way about it, or he might as well leave.
If he leaves, he was never in love, If he doesn’t then that means he understands, telling the truth will do good to both of you, in fact to all three of you, don’t you think so.
-I am still getting to know Sharad, I love him madly, like nothing I have known before. It’s like I have never been in love until Sharad came along, how will he believe me, with all this going on with Abhay.
What makes you think so? Why won’t you discuss the important issues that are eating you up with a person, you love, how are you supposed to know will this love last long, will it take up all the challenges that life throws your way when you are struggling with a simple truth?
You have been going on and on about Abhay, why don’t you people sit and talk, discuss the state that you are in with the relationship, it has already ended inside your heart, whatever is going on, is not good, neither for you, neither for Abhay. You can’t keep holding him along and be at peace with your own self, and not far ahead from today, who knows you might be accused of cheating, WHY? because you couldn’t tell your part of the truth to Abhay or Sharad.
-*speechless, feeling guilty*
What is the truth, what do you think you are doing? Damage is done, Abhay has been seconded, he won’t be there licking your scars, if things go southward with Sharad, you cannot do that to a person. There are valid human emotions there, with whom you are clearly playing, by hiding the truth or by protecting their reactions toward it.
-*looking at the fingers, fidgeting the legs, rubbing the sweaty palms*
How long have you known Sharad?
-a few months
Imagine the worst outcomes of your truth to both of them, what will happen?
-I would lose the two most important people in my life.
What would be the best outcomes?
-I don’t have an idea if this situation allows that. I would be broken, maybe they would forgive me but I would not live with this guilt forever.
You still have feelings for Abhay?
-I love him but with Sharad, it is something else, it is love, I can sense it, but with Abhay, it was never the same, I never felt that I am in love.
They both deserve to know the truth, if you say you love them, they need to hear the truth. No matter what they think about you, how do they react to it, you have to tell them the reality of your heart. No matter the outcomes.
-What if they don’t understand?
If they don’t they won’t. The only thing that you can do is to face your fears, tell your truth and stand strong with it if you want to have peace and you do not want to the anxiety every time, you think about both of them.
-*gulping down the choked throat*
When was the last time you slept at ease?
How are your sleeping patterns as of late, since the past few months?
-Unorganized, no regularity
How often do you feel stressed?
Do you feel excessive hunger whenever you talk to both of them?
-*thinking*Yes I do. *I am super hungry right now.*
How do you feel about telling the truth?
-I don’t want to, things are going great.
When was the last you went out with Sharad, not feeling guilty about Abhay?
-*thinking with fingers clenched* Never
Do you meet Abhay?
How do you feel about going out with him? Do you feel wrong?
-Yes, a lot
You have to do this task until we meet next, you have to tell both of them the truth and you have to come to me with the outcomes. You have a week, make an appointment for next week, your time is up.
I look at the time and there are still 2 minutes left. There is still time, you always rush me like before, You haven’t even listened to the full thing yet and you have already given me something to do, I want to get my mess cleared, I am not a child anymore, that will be doing a ridiculous task, there are human boundaries of not being able to certain things, thhaaat you are asking me to do. It is my choice, to tell the truth, or not? WHO ARE YOU, to tell me about the truth? I stutter and I can’t yell or speak properly.
Times up Darling 2 minutes are over. Please, the door is on the left.
-You are rude, I am not coming next week. and I slam the door as I walk out the clinic, I put on my sunglasses, and I walk in the sun, in the pinching heels.
Her words, running into my mind, whom do you run to when in distress, and I pick up my phone and dial Abhay, and I immediately stop,
I shrug in helplessness, and I kick the stones on the pathway along with the houses I cross by walking up to the main street of the beautiful tree laden houses, I wish I could hug Abhay right now and be with him, in his car, holding his hand, just like the old days, he was my comfortable safe place. I loved him, and I was not thinking about Sharad at all. I wonder what would he think of me? I feel stressed, anxious, I rub my fingers, and I obsessively think about both of them, I am hungry and all her things match the description of the anxiety attacks I have. I have dreamt about Abhay, every single night, he standing under the bridge, raindrops falling, he looking at me, and I look at his broken-hearted face.
It’s just plain simple truth, but the truth was, it is not easy to tell someone, who loves you so much, that you don’t love them anymore, more than Sharad, it was Abhay I was worried about. I can’t tell him, it is impossible and I look at his photo on the cellphone, flash screen. I disconnect the call and I cry. I was going to give him heartbreak for the rest of his life and all he did was love me unconditionally, and whose only wish was me.