I am so used to you, that I have forgotten what and how it felt when you were gone when you were no more near me. I hate being alone now. I feel safe with you. I miss you so much. I want to go out with you again, maybe I am not a homebound and homesick person after all. I love to go out and look at the beautiful clear night sky full of stars. I love to feel the wind on my face. I love to watch people. I love to watch the lights.

Everything felt extra beautiful with you. All bright and light. I miss you when I go out.

Traveling is a drug. It makes me peaceful, it makes me fall in love with life again. I am amazed at how when I step out of the house, I yearn for you and this freshness. Sometimes, I want to get lost in this world, be alone and explore all the good things on my own and the very next moment, I want to explore the world with you, I wanna sleep in every country with you, I love how our memories of little trips just keep playing on rewind.

I am reminded of the days gone by and I want to travel with you again. Whatever it was, for no matter how little it was, I wish it could have been something more.

I walk on the house terrace and night is cold today, the stars are shimmering like a beautiful night view full of chilled wind. I look at the stars oh so many. I see an airplane passing by. Airplanes are fascinating. I remember how our conversations started and somehow today, I feel sad. I don’t know what makes me sad?

I am feeling lonely today wondering how life has got past all these years, how this may be a few of those last moments of stargazing on my rooftop.

How my childhood spent in all these lanes is going to be a thing of the past. I am walking through the lanes now, where I drove my bicycle, where I sang those lovely songs, where I spent my entire childhood playing, goofing around, how things change so fast, people leave and new people come in, how the boundaryless park where I first fell, is full of roses. How my school teacher no more lives in the rental house anymore, how there are so many new shops in the neighborhood and how new high rise buildings have been developing around, making me feel lost, making me feel old, making me feel, when did I lose everything. I miss a friend, I miss someone, with whom I can walk down memory lane, as I look back there is darkness and no one to share with, this emotional high.

How I have been always lonely, how there has been no one, how my friends left me, how I walked on my own path and never looked back, and now when I walk down the street, I feel alone, as if no one ever understood me, never felt for me, or never tried hard enough to stay or made me a part of themselves. How I have always cared about people and I never felt I belong until I started pushing people away.

I for the very first time, feel alone. There is no one to share what I go through, I wonder who would understand, these deep-rooted complex emotions, I wanted to be so much and everything just kept slipping away, everything just happened, and I am now lost.

I wonder why I don’t believe in anything, why I am not happy anymore, why I don’t feel worthy, why I feel I am the last alternative for everyone. Why do I have to be alone? Why and how would I be able to share whatever I feel with anyone, I feel suffocated inside. I wonder if I just overthink or I just need all this to end, I want this suffering to end. I try so hard each day to be happy and yet I can’t. I feel lost, I feel purposeless, I feel anxious again.

I am scared, I don’t want to be in the vicious cycle of loneliness and anger. I keep feeling low, I keep feeling sad on the edge of the world. I look around and find no one, to talk to. I wonder I am the one responsible for my own being.

I forgot everything when I used to be with you. I don’t like anything without you. I wonder if this emotional dependency is too much, is it worth taking the risk for. I wish I can share things with you, but I can’t. I wonder if you would understand.

I always think that I overthink. Maybe I didn’t, somewhere along the years, I have lost myself. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I want to return back to my older self and I can’t. I wish to the airplane passing by, let me be my older self, carefree, stressfree, and happy.

I wonder why did I change, who did this to me, why I can’t just be happy, there are so many things in this world that are still a luxury to others, why I can’t be grateful for everything that I have, what is this sadness lying deep inside that I can’t let go of. Why is it there? Why did it creep in? Why do I keep feeling it all the time? Why my normal is sad?

I read somewhere that people dealing with a lot appear to be happy people who make others happy and are really lonely. Guess what I am the saddest lonely person who hates to be happy. Why do I hate myself? I sometimes have trouble understanding my own thoughts, I don’t feel so good today.

Maybe someday I’ll get my closure, maybe I can overcome this sadness, and maybe one day I can find my inner peace, maybe at the end of this dark tunnel somewhere lies my ray of hope. I see my ray of hope in you. I see that light in you. Thank you for holding my hand whenever I need you. I just don’t want to return to this darkness ever again. Hold my hand and let’s run, far from it, away from it. I hate this maze. Take me away Forever and Always. I miss you so much. I love you so much.

Author: Onesha

She is the funny one! Has flair for drama, loves to write when happy! You might hate her first story, but maybe you’ll like the next. She is the master of words, but believes actions speak louder than words. 1sha Rastogi, founder of 1shablog.com.

1 thought on “Misery

  1. I love how real this is, it is like able to read the parts of a person that would normally stay hidden, its feels like I am there with her as she thinks through these thoughts, what a beautiful yet poignant write ❤

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